


All That Remains (Our Hearts Filled With Shame)

by rshickmann



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Artist Zayn, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Marriage, Multi, Same-Sex Marriage, Self Harm, car crash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-01
Updated: 2014-04-01
Packaged: 2018-01-17 19:59:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1400608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rshickmann/pseuds/rshickmann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He couldn’t feel a thing, he just seemed to float above everything and everyone, not being able to open his eyes or move his lips to form words that he needs to say. No, he’s just stuck in a motionless body. Well that’s what Liam thought anyway, because the next thing he knew he was just staring at himself. Head bandaged, wires connected to numerous parts of his body with an oxygen mask attached to his face. He fell back in shock just staring at himself. He couldn’t breathe, Liam was grasping at his chest trying to catch it for some stupid reason just as the heart monitor started to flat line, and it grabbed Liam’s attention slightly as he watched himself shaking violently. -</p><p>(Or Liam's been involved in a car accident, and it leave's Zayn pining for him. Will he survive? Will he not ? (He survives))</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That Remains (Our Hearts Filled With Shame)

**Author's Note:**

> Holy shit, this is my first ever fic. 
> 
> I apologise if there are any mistakes, I'm not the best when it comes to grammar and spelling I'll admit. This fic was just a little idea, that I come up with a while ago with a friend. So if its horrible I apologise and thank you for wasting your time
> 
> [THERE IS A PARAGRAPH THAT BRIEFLY TOUCHES ON SELF HARM, SO IF YOU FIND IT A TRIGGER DON'T READ IT. ALSO ILL IT ISN'T DETAILD, ITS JUST A SHORT PARAGRAPH]
> 
>  
> 
> well anyway, I'm lame at summaries this is all a first attempt for me... so have it and let me know what you think! 
> 
> (I don't own the boys this is all just an universe I wish existed)

All That Remains (Our hearts filled with shame)

The bitter cold bit harshly at his skin as he perched himself on the edge of the balcony, taking in with each breath a long draw of nicotine and the pain of words he through so carelessly at Liam only moments ago. Regret was caving into every crevasse of his body,  _‘Tonight was suppose to be something special.’_  kept running through his head as he flicked dying ash from his cigarette. Why he had ever quit smoking was a question worth thinking about whilst he chuckled at the memory of Liam’s words last year.

“Zaynie….” Liam dragged out, Zayn slapped a hand gently across the back of Liam’s head just for the nickname that he has come to love, but he wouldn’t let him know that. He got caught up in Liam’s eyes, his bottom lip pouting out as Zayn brought his cigarette to his lips inhaling the last of the smoke before flicking the butt away.

“Leeyummm, what is it?” Zayn spoke so carelessly with a slight smirk to his lips.

 “I hate watching you smoke” Liam whispered, “It’s kinda hot to watch you smoke too, but.. it scares me that it could kill you.”

Zayn’s mouth dropped open, eyes nearly popping out his sockets. Liam was staring at him, looking so serious but with a great deal of sadness in those simple but beautiful hazel eyes. “You want me to quit?” Zayn asked after the silence was soaking up to much of him.

“No. Well yes, but I don’t want you to do it for me just cos I-“

Zayn cut him off a swift but soft peck to Liam’s dry lips. “I’ll quit for you Leeyum, anything to make you happy…”

Liam grasped his hand and dragged Zayn into the warmest embrace. “I love you” Liam whispered, with his lips nibbling at Zayn’s earlobe. Zayn sighed in content, he couldn’t believe he just promised to give up something he loved, but it was for something, no  _someone_. He loved far more.

Zayn was brought back to reality when he heard the slam of the front door to their apartment; it shook him right down to the core knowing that Liam was hurt and angered by Zayn himself. He always promised him (and to Liam’s sister after they first revealed their relationship and they had promised Zayn if Liam ever cried because of him they’d personally rip out his balls one by one) to never do that, to always keep Liam happy. To never hurt him, seeing Liam fight back tears after the harsh words Zayn had thrown at Liam in an argument that he couldn’t even remember the reasoning off. Shattered Zayn’s heart in ways he couldn’t understand. Why did he have to say what he did? Why did he have to use all of Liam’s fears against him? Just throwing them at him because he knew it would hurt Liam. Zayn dropped his head to hands and rubbed his eyes until they were sore. He was the epitome of a fuck up.

 He fucked up his art degree in university, getting himself kicked out for being too ‘outrageous’. He spent days screaming at the walls ‘ _how the fuck can you be too outrageous in art of all fucking things?!!’._ He fucked things up with Perrie, he looked down at the tattoo gracing his arm and run gentle fingers over the girl grazing the top half of his nearly complete sleeve, it was surreal the night she caught him in the loos with Liam.

On the night of her birthday which made things even worse, all because Liam had come running to him, crying over the fact that Sophia had finished with him. Stumbling out words he tried to explain to Zayn that she kept saying he was in love with someone else, he wasn’t fully invested in the relationship. Zayn took him in his arms and dragged him to the toilets to splash some water on his face and tidy Liam up a bit. It wasn’t until they were inside that Liam had stopped crying. “She was right though” still stumbling over words, wiping his nose with the back of sleeve “I was too interested in someone else to care about her feelings for me.”

 Zayn was struggling to breath, because Liam was staring at him. Right into his eyes, a look in his eyes telling Zayn something he had waited so long to hear out loud but couldn’t so just crushed their lips together. Liam didn’t resist for a second, putting as much force into the kiss as Zayn. Zayn grouped Liam through his low hanging jeans, to see he was hard. Just as he started working open Liam jeans, he heard a gasp. He peered over Liam’s shoulder just to see Perrie, mascara running thick down her cheeks. Trembling with shock and heart break, he tried to grab her before she run away.

Just to explain, but she was already gone.

He dug his nails into his arm, just over the tattoo of a girl he once did love, just never as much as Liam. They pierced his skin and he could feel the thick warm trickle lightly down his fingers. He could taste the salt from his tears as he licked his dry lips, he slowly turned and took the steps back into the apartment taking in the mess of smashed glasses, and a bottle of the best champagne someone on his pathetic wage could buy spilling onto the carpet.

 They’d been together 2 years today, they was celebrating by Zayn cooking his Liam a beautiful three course meal, full of the spice and wonder that his Mum had taught him so many years ago. He took soft steps through the living room trying to avoid broken glass, the carpet felt so soft and damp against his bare feet. The dampness making his skin crawl he grabbed Liam’s hulk slippers from behind the sofa and tucked his feet inside before starting to clear up the mess he had caused.

Four and a half hours had passed; he had finally managed to clean away the mess. Not wanting to face eating he place his home cooked meals into containers and placed them in the fridge. He placed himself onto the sofa, grabbing the remote to switch on the T.V and tucked his knees up to this chest, and just hugged himself, resting his chin on knees. He could feel his week old stubble, ruff and course. Rubbing on his knee; sticking out from the rip in his black jeans.

Time was passing slowly as he casually flicked from channel to channel, he could feel the fight coming for his eyes to stay open. He wasn’t going to sleep. Liam was still out and it was nearing.. Zayn took a look at his phone to see it was actually ’04:37am’. Zayn had a slight shiver go down his spine, this wasn’t like Liam.

Zayn recalled from previous arguments, although not this serious. Liam would always text telling him stating that he was staying Haz and Lou’s. Something wasn’t sitting right with Zayn in this moment, Zayn sat rocking back and forth slightly just staring at his phone, locking and unlocking it. Waiting for a message, a call, anything. It was nearing 5 when he couldn’t take it so he called Liam. No answer, Zayn left a message stating he’s not looking for forgiveness, he just needs to know he’s okay ‘I love you..’ Zayn whispered before hanging up the phone, lazily casting it aside on the coffee table.

 The battle with his eye lids was coming to an end, Zayn just couldn’t do it anymore, he took a quick look into glass of the coffee table to look at the distorted reflection. Puffy eyes, dark circles. Zayn took it upon himself to just sleep on the sofa, so when Liam returned Zayn could throw his arm around his shoulders and cry into the crease of his neck. Throwing apologies at every angel and beg for forgiveness. Zayn eyes fluttered shut after this, with a crooked smile and his arms tucked around himself for warmth, the thought of begging for forgiveness was never appealing. Only when it come to Liam, because he knew he would be held in those strong warm arms with thick fingers running through his product smothered raven hair. Only to be pulled moments later to the floor for the beauty that was make up sex. Zayn doubted himself for second because hey, he loves all kind of sex, but the warmth, forgiveness, anger and power you get from makeup sex will always be his favourite, the taste of sweat. The smell of sex lasting for hours as they’d lay naked on the floor, a tangle of limbs and soft forgiving kisses. This thought was sending him to a deep slumber, with warmth flying of Zayn’s skin, and a painful ache in his boxers begging for release.

Zayn was quite rudely awoken at noon, by the consistent ringing of his phone and a repetitive banging on the front door. Did Liam forget his keys? He managed to push himself from the sofa and stretched. The tips of his fingers skim the ceiling, before running a hand over his face. He rummages through Liam’s jacket that’s still hanging over the chair only to find his door keys and car keys are gone. Zayn never heard the car start last night?

The knocking is getting louder and he can hear someone shouting his name through the letter box. “Zayn if you don’t your get lazy ass to this door in the next five minutes, I swear ill rip it off its fucking hinges” well that was enough to grab Zayn’s attention; he darts for the door and opens it to find Louis. His heart drops a little inside because the look on Louis’ face wasn’t comforting. There was distress in his voice, and the look on his face only confirms to Zayn that there was something wrong. He looked to the left of Louis, someone was standing with him that he hadn’t even realised.

“Zayn Malik?” how did he know his name?

 “Yes, and may I ask your name?” Zayn questioned with anger sitting on the tip of his Tung.

 “Zayn..” Louis had finally spoke, he had a tone to his voice that made Zayn feel so uneasy

“Sorry sir, I’m PC Groves. I had to come to you this morning because I believe you know a Mr Liam Payne?” Zayn snapped his neck looking towards PC Groves, he could see it. Sorrow was hanging on the edge of this police officers face. Zayn couldn’t breathe, he was just trembling. He couldn’t speak.

 “Yes, he does. Liam is Zayn’s better half” Louis said with a slight bitterness to the small laugh he let out. So this was a joke to Louis? Zayn couldn’t even find the strength to argue because why was they here? What had happened?

“Oh, well Mr Malik. I’m sorry to inform that last night at round 04:00 am.. Mr Payne was involved in a car crash..” He was still talking but he couldn’t hear him, he was just surrounded by white noise. Liam was in a car crash.. He was here to tell him he was dead. PC Groves hadn’t said this but Zayn just knew, before he could even stop himself tears just fell down his cheeks and he was tumbling forward into Louis’ arms. They wrapped around Zayn and held him tight into Louis’ chest, resting his head on Zayn’s bare shoulders. He hadn’t even realised he wasn’t wearing a shirt until he felt the wetness of Lou’s cheek. PC Groves rested his hand slightly onto Zayn cold back and patted gently.

Zayn turned and laid eyes onto the officer and actually took into account the man’s features, he was very pale. His skin was just a blanket of snow covered in light little freckles; he couldn’t see his hair as the officer still had his helmet on. He could see his eyes, soft and no emotion to them. A glistening blue, no match for Louis’ eyes but they could put up a good fight. “If you would like Mr Malik, I could escort you to the hospital to visit him?” He sounded so sincere. It only made more tears fall. Instead of speaking he just nodded and proceeded to hide his face in Lou’s neck.

After Louis’ had gone in doors and fetched a jacket for Zayn and an actual pair of shoes. They made their way to the hospital in the back of a police car. Louis’ gently dug a finger into Zayn’s ribs to grab his attention. He looked to Louis’ through long lashes, still blurred with tears. “Do you remember the last time we were in the back of a police car together?” He asked with the cheekiest grin. Zayn felt bad for feeling angry at him because he shouldn’t be smiling at a time like this, but he realised it was only to cheer him up.

“Yeah,” he managed to squeeze out before wiping about some tears on Lou’s shoulder. “We’d been arrested because we spray painted ‘ _CUNT’_  on my old professors car” a roar of laughter erupted from Louis’ and this in its self managed to make Zayn stop crying and crack a smile. Fucking Louis’ and his infectious laughter. As the laughter died down he felt an arm tug around his shoulder to pull him closer, silence taking over the car as he realised they was approaching A&E.

Louis was the first out of the car, offering his hand to Zayn’s. “Come on,” Lou spoke in a broken whisper, “I won’t let go until you want me to.”

 Zayn took a hold of Louis’ hand and stepped out of the car and started to take the few steps that where between them and the entrance. Louis’ thanked the officer before he drove off, running back to Zayn and intertwining their fingers before they stopped at the entrance. Zayn took one last deep breath of fresh, knowing the second he steps inside all he’ll be breathing in is antiseptic, sorrow and death. Louis’ gave a gentle and reassuring squeeze to Zayn before looking at him. They locked eyes for a moment, fear locked into their eyes because honestly? Zayn didn’t know if Liam had died or not, he never heard the officer over his cries. Louis lead them into the building and up the reception

“How can I help you?” the lady behind the desk looked tired, over worked, but she still spoke with kindness in her voice like she understood everyone walking into this horrific place. She looked elderly, maybe in her 60’s? On the plumper side but she looked like comfort. Like a grandmother who would sit there waiting for you to visit with freshly baked cookies sitting on the side and a delicious cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows and cinnamon.

 “We’re here for a Mr Liam Payne?” Louis just seems to be doing all the talking, not that Zayn isn’t thankful because he can just about breathe. Let alone ask where the fuck is his boyfriend and why is he here? The look on her face said it all, sympathy was just pouring out of her “He’s in intensive care sweet heart, take a left go down the half until you reach the end, take a right and the intensive care unit is on your first left” she reached out and rubbed the back of Lou’s hand that rested on the desk. Zayn took a sharp breath because this was leading to something that he didn’t want to be real. He took off without Louis because he just wanted to see him, wither it is his worse fear. Or that he was just badly hurt, either way would destroy him but he just needed to see him, he needed to see his Liam.

He’s running down the hall, amazingly remembering the directions the lady had given and within in seconds he finds himself outside big stainless steel doors, with glass either side so your could pier in with a sign above the door. ‘ _Intensive Care Unit’_ , he took note of the antiseptic sign next to the door and pressed his hand against the pump to cleanse his hands.

Just as Zayn prepares himself to open the door it’s opened for him from the other side. Blonde hair bundled up, wearing by the looks of it anything that could be grabbed on first sight. He looks up to the face to recognise those big brown eyes that caught his attention what seemed like years ago. The same nose, those familiar cheeks stained with tears. Ruth. He didn’t know what to do, she’s just glaring at him, he could feel a hand run over his shoulder and without even looking he knew it was Louis. Zayn went to wrap his arms around Liam’s older sibling, but she just pushed him away. Why? He was hurting to, she wasn’t the only one scared of the possibilities.

 “You promised..” Ruth was crossed with anger and despair as she cried out these words, “You promised you wouldn’t hurt him and you did, now he’s here!” she was raising her voice, every ounce of sadness leaving for pure anger, all towards Zayn.

 “He didn’t do this to him Ru-“

“DON’T YOU DARE DEFEND HIM LOUIS!” she was screaming, interrupting Louis before he could even say anything more. Both Zayn and Louis’ jaws just dropped “Was you on the phone to him? Crying at 4 in the morning?!” She was shaking again, this time the anger was leaving and the sadness was taking over “He was driving just trying to get away from HIM!” Jabbing her finger into Zayn’s chest, throwing him off balance “He wasn’t paying attention, I tried to get him to pull over but. I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop him and he just.”

Once again Zayn was crying, she couldn’t finish her sentence but he knew what she was trying to say. She heard it all, the crash that is until the phone had cut off. He didn’t care how angry she felt he just grabbed her, smothered her into his chest and wrapped his arms around. She couldn’t fight it, she wrapped around him and cried into his chest “I heard it Zayn.. I’ll never forget it, the sound of the car rolling before the phone just. cut off.”

He hushed her, rubbing her head gently as the both of them cried into each other in the door way. Louis slowly rubbing at their backs. It felt like forever before anyone spoke, Ruth removed herself from Zayn’s arms and shoved past both him and Louis before turning and saying “If he doesn’t make it through this Zayn, I will never forgive you…” and just like that, she was gone. Leaving Zayn and Louis standing there shocked in the middle of hall way.

Realisation set him, Zayn spun around and run into the Intensive Care Unit and searching every room for Liam, he reached the end and peered through the big window of the separate room. He couldn’t move, he just brought his hand to face and covered his mouth to stop the awful sobbing noise from coming out. There he was, lying lifeless in a cold room surrounded by machines keeping him alive. Louis caught up to him and tripped over what appeared to be nothing before looking into the room. A doctor come up to them and introduced himself .

“Good afternoon lads, I’m Dr. Horan. Can I help at all?” his accent was thick, but understandable. He was obviously Irish, with his fair skin and blonde hair in this uncontrollable style just sticking up everywhere, but seemed to right. The slightest brown root showed that he wasn’t a natural blonde; he was looking at them both with a genuine full smile. Bright eyes looking over them both before nodding towards Liam. “Are ya relatives? Because I can’t let you in if not.”

Zayn’s whole face just dropped, he couldn’t even see him? Well he could, but through a window just wasn’t enough. “Please…” Zayn whimpered “I’m not his family, but that man is everything to me. He is my Jaan” he smiled to himself because none of his friends knew what it meant, none of Liam’s family. Of course Zayn’s family knew, after all it’s an Urdu word, but it was for Liam and no one else.

With reluctance Dr Horan lead Zayn to the door and escorted him inside, he turned to Zayn with a soft understanding smile. “Who am I to stand in the way of love?” he spoke so softly that Zayn just about heard, he just nodded. Taking slow steps to the chair by Liam’s side and sunk into it. He run calloused fingers up Liam’s arm, he felt so cold. He rested his face into the crease of Liam’s arm whilst trying to lock their fingers together, only to fail because Liam wasn’t there to squeeze them together, to make the perfect puzzle. So instead he just breathed Liam in.

 Nothing was familiar, he smelt of antiseptic and metal. Not his usual smell of cinnamon shower gel and that Dark Amber and Ginger Lily aftershave by Jo Malone that Zayn had bought him at Christmas. Liam refuses to wear anything but this, that sweet but manly smell that reminded Zayn of being on holiday with the sun running over his skin. After a while he removed his face from Liam’s arm to look at the doctor.

 “So tell me Doctor—”

“Niall, call me Niall mate.”

Everyone was cutting Zayn off today, he was getting sick of it, instead of over acting he just bit into his bottom lip until the metallic taste filled his mouth. “Okay, Niall.  What’s going to happen to him?” silence took over the room before either of them spoke again.

“He’s in an induced coma for the time being I’m afraid, he suffered a few different injuries but the most extensive was he cracked open his skull, but due to the swelling we can’t tell if there’s any permanent damage or blood on the brain until the swelling reduces.. So until then it’s a waiting game I’m afraid”

He’s so young, can’t be much older than Zayn or Liam, and this is obviously very new to him because Niall just keeps swaying from one foot to the other, like he’s scared Zayn’s going to throttle him any second. This doesn’t make him feel comfortable to say the least, Liam being in the hands of a new doctor, but also that must mean that Niall has been taught with everything all up to date about medics surely? This actually calms him. A smile washes over Zayn’s face and he mouths a polite thank you Niall before he leaves the room, Louis barges in a few moments later and Zayn relays everything that Niall had just explained to him. Louis takes a seat on the edge of the bed whilst Zayn stays in the chair running his fingers continuously up and down Liam’s arm like as if this would wake him up, or at least make him feel warm.

They stay like this for hours, making small stalk between him and Louis, Niall coming back to give Louis a stern look. With one glare from him Niall realises he’s not going anywhere and offers to bring them coffee and he’s now on break. He returns once again about 10 minutes later with coffees in hand and a chair in the other. He takes a seat up in the room and they just sit there, watching Liam holding their breath every time the heart monitor took a second too long beep again. He didn’t understand why Niall was here with them, technically Liam was just a patient, but with that look of pain on his face that matches his and Louis’. Something tells him that he knows Liam more than a patient, but where from? Shouldn’t he know? He knew everything about Liam, had met everyone that had any matter to him.

This was surely going to bug him until he found out, but he wasn’t going to ask. This wasn’t the time too, especially if he didn’t like the answer. So he would wait, Niall would surely tell him soon enough. Or better yet hopefully Liam will wake up, with nothing wrong and tell him. Not that it would matter at that point.

(~*~)

Waking up alone was never something he thought would happen, Zayn stretched his wiry frame across the king size bed. Patting his hand to his left in the search for warmth, only to remember Liam wasn’t lying next to him. Liam was still in hospital, Lying alone and cold. It had been just over 2 weeks since that morning Pc Groves had arrived at Zayn’s – and Liam’s – apartment to deliver the news of Liam’s car crash.

He laid still taking in deep breaths preparing for the tears that were about to come. Zayn had always had a fear of Liam seeing him cry, and with the plans on visiting Liam in a few hours he just let go, crying into the pillow and praying Liam would wake soon. Even though he knew Liam wouldn’t be awake, Zayn still didn’t want to cry in his presence. He had always heard or seen of people who had (as it’s called) an outer body experience whilst in a coma. Dreading that such things were true, Zayn always let any tears he had to shred or release any anger he had built up inside from pure guilt just flow free. All in the fear of that Liam might see him cry.

(~*~)

He couldn’t feel a thing, he just seemed to float above everything and everyone, not being able to open his eyes or move his lips to form words that he needs to say. No, he’s just stuck in a motionless body. Well that’s what Liam thought anyway, because the next thing he knew he was just staring at himself. Head bandaged, wires connected to numerous parts of his body with an oxygen mask attached to his face.

He fell back in shock just staring at himself. He couldn’t breathe, Liam was grasping at his chest trying to catch it for some stupid reason just as the heart monitor started to flat line, and it grabbed Liam’s attention slightly as he watched himself shaking violently. He’s leaning on the door as it bursts open, just flying straight through him as a Blonde quiffed gentlemen shoves into the room with two younger women.

They’re all gathered around him blocking his vision from, well himself? Arms flying all over the place as they tried to fix whatever the problem was. He took a breath, and wait. He couldn’t breathe a minute ago? The heart monitor goes back to a steady beat and a heave of sighs goes through the room.

“Well, that was a sign of improvement” Liam launched his face into the direction of the blonde man with such force he’s sure he would’ve broken his neck if, well. If he wasn’t staring at himself already injured. That voice was so familiar, thick Irish accent dulled by living in Britain for an amount of years. Liam made his way around the hospital better to look said man face on. Happiness sheared through him, it was Niall.

He hadn’t seen him since they left for secondary school all those years ago and went separate ways. They did stay in contact but once Niall had got into medical school it all just faded due to Niall being swamped with constant work and such things. Liam through himself at Niall to wrap his arms around his childhood friend. Instead he just fell straight through him and landed flat on his face, well that could’ve hurt if it wasn’t for the fact he was already in hospital. He steadies himself and wipes himself down, deciding to listen to Niall and his colleague’s conversation.

“How is it an improvement Dr Horan?” the young dark hair girl inquired, Liam popped a head over Niall’s shoulder to get a look. She had a name tag placed just above her left breast;  _Jesy Nelson – Trainee Nurse_. Well that explains the questioning.

 “Well Miss Nelson, as much as if we hadn’t arrived in time and we wouldn’t have been able to save young Liam”

 “YOUNG?!” Liam pouted “I’ll have you know Niall I am 15 days older and I won’t have you forget it! Cheeky git” Liam wondered over to the chair and took a seat.

 “The fact that this happened shows a slight chain of brain activity, of Liam trying to breathe for himself rather than Life Support do it for him.” The smile on Niall’s face couldn’t have been wider, he spoke such hope in his voice that it made everyone in the room but Liam smile.

“So there’s a chance he’ll pull through?!” The other girl spoke up his time, pure excitement radiating of her “There was always a chance Miss Pinnock, but with signs like this” A smile fell over Niall’s face again, and he looked down at Liam with a slight twinkle in his glorious blue eyes

“A far greater chance that before”.

***

It felt like hours had passed since Niall and the girls had left the room, leaving Liam alone with his thoughts to run through what had ended him up this situation. Also why in god’s name was he sitting here staring at himself?! Liam shot a one finger salute to the sky, choosing to blame the big guy upstairs for this 2  _‘Liam’s but you can only see one situation’._

Whilst all of this was happening, Liam couldn’t help but think of Zayn. In rights he was the reason he was here, it was Zayn’s cruel words that pushed him out of that door. Then again Zayn didn’t force him to get into that car, he decided upon doing that all by himself. He would have been okay if he hadn’t had a drink before hand, it was only the one glass of champagne, but that’s the down side of one kidney. You’re pissed before you even realise it. All his anger was vanishing the more he thought of how much Zayn would be drowning in self blame, if Liam had never brought up the subject of Zayn looking to go back to university this wouldn’t have happened.

He has Zayn’s best intentions in mind but after everything happened the last time he knew this a decision Zayn would have to approach Liam with, not the other way round. Liam brought his hand to his rubbed gently at his stubble covered chin; that night was meant to change everything. He had it planned down to the perfect T, with Zayn cooking their favourites. JT playing their song in the back ground, the moment was perfect.

Instead he had to ruin it. “Hey Jaan..” Liam was shook from his thought’s as he heard the whisper over his name. Well, Zayn’s name for him. He looked directly at Zayn in hope he was looking at him in the chair, but no. He was looking to the bed, with a weak smile. Zayn’s eyes were puffy and red rare that Liam presumed to be from crying, lack of sleep and many other reasons, hair laying flat across his forehead, fringe brushing gently over those long eyelashes. He rose from the chair and walked slowly to Zayn leaning in the door way and raised his hand to gently stroke his cheek. Zayn shivered once he made contact, and it had Liam flinching away. Had Zayn felt Liam stroke his cheek? Zayn raised his hand and placed it exactly where Liam had just placed his own moments ago. A genuine smile rose upon Zayn’s face, and there was a look in his eye that can only be described as happiness.

“Jesus Leeyum, you’re not even with me fully, and I can still feel you stroking my cheek like always.”

 Liam had a little chuckle to himself, he didn’t realise he done it so much. He couldn’t help but touch Zayn whenever he saw him, whether it be a little stroke to the cheek, or a grope of his dick. Zayn was just too beautiful for Liam not touch, even after 2 years of pure happiness. He just couldn’t believe he still had Zayn. He was everything Liam dreamed of. He was the yin to his yang, the perfect fitting puzzle piece.

Zayn sat for hours just talk to him, telling him about how Harry and Louis are constantly knocking on the door, making sure he’s up for work, forcing him to take a shower. Making sure he’s eating all 3 meals a day. Zayn also admitted in the time he spent at Liam’s side that Louis took away every sharp object he could find, or any object that could be formed into something sharp. So he was forced to drink everything from that Toy Story cup Liam’s had since a kid. Liam winced at the admission of what Louis had done; it had never crossed his mind.

He’ll never forget the first time he went down on Zayn;  _he never under stood why Zayn was so reluctant. Eventually he just pulled down Zayn’s school shorts and boxers in one swipe, he thought it would be a great moment, but it wasn’t. He wasn’t just greeted with the most beautiful cock he had ever seen (admitted he’d only seen them in porn, oh and that one time he gave Andy a quick blowy but that doesn’t count) he was greeted by scars, some very faint that could hardly see. The rest very new, so new in fact a couple still had scabs remaining. One of which that he couldn’t believe, was the letter L and P. It couldn’t have been a coincidence, they’re his initials._

_Liam looked up at Zayn through his long curls with the most apologetic look he could mange, only to find Zayn’s eyes squeezed shut, and tears breaking the seams. He took it upon himself to make this better, or to an extent at least. He started placing a gentle kiss along each visible scar that he could see, he heard Zayn whimper and pleaded him to stop, but he wasn’t going to. This wasn’t about getting Zayn off anymore, this was about Liam apologising, trying to make it okay for not loving him sooner._

_“I’m sor-“_

_“Don’t you even dare Liam, it wasn’t you fault. I just didn’t want you to see them… Or to see me like this.” Zayn’s words came out a whisper, stumbling along a few as tears fell down his cheeks. It still didn’t make him feel any better, whether it was Liam’s fault or not!_

_“Well I’m still sorry that I didn’t realise I loved you sooner, because I do Zayn.”_

_They stayed like that for a moment, eyes never leaving each other. Zayn had finally stopped crying when a beautiful smile spun like silk spread across those delicate chubby cheeks._

_“About time Payne”_

_“Oit! I said I’m sorr-“_

_Liam was broke off by those beautifully soft chapped lips “I love you, Jaan.”_

_Liam rose off the ground, pulling Zayn’s shorts up with him to give him some decency. Liam wrapped his arms around Zayn bringing into his embrace, Zayn rested his head between Liam’s neck and his jaw and breathed in everything that was Liam, sweaty from his run earlier that afternoon, and sweet from all the junk they’d been eating whilst watching a marathon of Batman. He placed a gentle kiss on Liam’s neck as he heard the old clock from the living chime midnight; he took Liam’s face into his hands and brought it to his, brushing their noses slightly before inching in for a gentle kiss just bellow Liam’s lip._

_“You tease!” Liam whispered, whilst popping his bottom Liam into an all mighty pout and the biggest puppy dog eyes Zayn has ever seen. Feeling weak from that puppy stair, he inched back and places his lips to Liam’s, tasting nothing but cherry coke and fizzy sweets._

_They laughed into the kiss and placed their foreheads gently together, lips only centimetres apart, “Happy 18 th Birthday Liam” he whispered, Liam’s eyes creased in the corners as he smiled. Placing his lips against Zayn’s this time, “I hope you’re with me like this every birthday from now on.”_

_Zayn could see the blush as Liam walked away silently, walking back to Zayn’s bed and sitting on the edge. He walked over and placed himself into Liam’s lap, rubbing his hand gently across Liam’s arms_

_“So cheesy babe, but yeah. I’ll be there. You’ll regret asking though.” He laughed at the genuinely shocked and hurt expression that spread across Liam’s face, he place his lips against his ear_

_“You’ll never get rid of me now” and nibbled lightly against his lobe, next thing he knew, Liam had spun him around and he was laying flat against his bed face looking up at the ceiling of his bedroom as Liam rubbed his dick through his shorts, he managed to look up to Liam to only see darkness in his eyes and wicked but beautiful grin._

_“Time for my birthday present” he growled, before he disappeared down by Zayn’s knees._

“Zayn mate, I’m sorry but you’ve got to make a move, visiting hours are up.”

 Liam looked up at the door to see Niall, and stared at the clock. It was 9pm. Zayn just nodded slightly and raised himself from the chair, he leant over the bed to place a gentle kiss to Liam’s head “I’ll see you tomorrow, sleep well my beautiful Jaan” nothing but a whisper, but it wasn’t meant for Niall’s ears.

 As Zayn took the slow steps away, Liam let a mumbled  _“I love you”_  slip from his lips, and Zayn froze. He gently turned around and Liam watched in awe as Zayn searched the room.

“Niall, did you hear that?” there was so much confusion in his voice.

“Hear what mate?” Niall looked just as confused “I think you’re hearing things, you should get some sleep”. Once again, Zayn just nodded as Niall walked away wishing him a safe journey home.

He stared into the room, just before switching off the light and letting darkness take over Zayn whispered “I love you too babe..” and the door was shut, Liam was left alone once again with his thought’s and himself, but this time he was a lot happier. He had seen his Zayn, and even better Zayn had heard him. He could only pray he’d be waking up soon so he could speak those words aloud and be heard by everyone.

Then press his lips to those he craves more than anything.

(~*~)

Zayn was taking his time walking home this evening, he was smoking cigarette after cigarette whilst trying to piece together his thoughts;  _‘I’m sure I heard him, it was his fucking voice! I know it and that coldness on my cheek… Had to be Liam! No one else touches me like that!’_ he flicked away his cigarette with one last inhale before stepping inside the local shop at the end of his street. He walked straight to the back looking for birthday cards, it was Liam’s 20th birthday next week and Zayn promised he would never leave Liam without him on his birthday, and that meant celebrating it. He wouldn’t go out anywhere, he just wanted to make sure when Liam woke up there would be a card sitting beside him so he would know Zayn didn’t forget. With the card he bought another pack of smokes because the way he’s going he will probably smoke another 20 before he falls asleep, also he decided upon buying himself a bottle Corona. He deserved it, it’s been a long day and one bottle of beer wouldn’t hurt him.

Just as Zayn was about to put his key into the door, he could hear whispers coming from inside and the movement of people. He froze not in fear but anger, because who the fuck would try to burgle him? Once he had his key in the door and bottle of Corona, firmly gripped in his right hand. Ready to be used as a weapon if needs be, he launched through the door only to bump straight into whoever was in his flat at full force, bringing them both floor with Zayn perched on top of the stranger. Zayn jumped back, bringing the bottle behind his head, just about to swing when “Oit! Only I dominate that curly shit!” comes from the door next to him, he looked over.

Mouth slightly ajar and his eyes squinted into slits to glare at a blazing smile and big blue eyes with mischief glazing over them just staring back at him. He took a look back down to see emerald green eyes peeking through large fingers covering his face. Now that he can see the curls sneaking out of the horrific orange beanie he was wearing; he lowered the bottle, glaring at them both.

 “Would you both like to explain for one, why the fuck you’re in my flat? Secondly, H O W did you get into my flat?!”

Louis was helping Harry off the floor and giving a gentle pat to his bum cheek before he looked to Zayn to give him his answer. “Your on the bottom floor of flats, and your left your window open you fool!” sarcasm, was always Lou’s forte. “Also we thought we’d surprise you with a home cooked meal by Mr Styles and booze purchased by the Tommo!” Where on earth did he meet these people? A soft smile grazed Zayn’s face, realising he had the most amazing and wild friends he could wish for. He grabbed them both in one arm each and tugged them into a warm hug breathing out a thank you before slapping them both for breaking into his flat.

The food was amazing; it always was if Harry was involved. They sat in the living room watching reruns of 2 Broke Girls, sippy cups in hand (Louis still wouldn’t let him have any of his glasses back) wine tipping over the edges of Harry’s cup whilst he made dramatic hand movements, telling his favourite tales of him and Liam.

That’s all the night consisted of, cheap wine amazing food and company. Sharing their favourite memories of the same man they’d all come to love in one way or another, even though the main subject was Liam. It took Zayn’s mind off of Liam, sounds silly but living in happy memories rather than thinking of him alone in that hospital bed having machines doing his living for him made him sort of forget. It made him feel like Liam was next to him, rubbing his thumb gently over Zayn’s thigh, laughing along with the memories.

(~*~)

A week had passed since the night Harry and Louis broke into his flat, and they’d only left once.. Even then it was only to get changes of clothes and other things they needed. It was nice having the company, but sleeping on the sofa whilst listening to them having sex in his and Liam’s bed kept him up at night. When he woke that morning he felt so at peace, like today was going to mean something. With one quick look to his phone he knew it was Liam’s birthday, at least the day was starting okay.

Zayn always had a daily routine so the first thing he did was blindly reach his pack of smokes. Light one up, and walk to the front door to check for mail. Wasn’t much just bill after bill, but one envelope stood out, a light brown envelope with a red stamp in the corner. It was smudged but he could make out that big red ‘M’ anywhere, he ripped open the letter with no hesitation. Skimming over the letter a smile broke onto his face, causing his eyes to crinkle as he read more of the letter. It was only brief but very professional, and he couldn’t stop staring at that one line whilst dancing his way back to living chanting  _‘yesyesyesfuckingyes!!’_  in whispers so he didn’t wake his friends from their slumber.

 Zayn had completely (Well not completely, it had a little space in his mind that hoped he would get this letter) forgotten about entering a competition at Marvel comics London based work place. The winner would be given an apprenticeship at Marvel to be trained under the people that have helped create some of his most favourite comics. He won, he had fucking won! He couldn’t hold it in anymore he switched on the radio, what luck! JT – Mirrors was playing, what better song could have come on except for his and Liam’s song? He belted from the top of voice as he danced into the kitchen, plopping some bread into the toaster before clicking on the kettle to make a well needed coffee, Zayn turned to look out the window to watch the world as he sung. Only to be interrupted by something hitting him on the back of the head. “YOU LITTLE SHIT! HOW DARE YOU DISTURB MY SLEEP! I THOUGH I MADE THIS CLEAR LAST YEAR!” Louis had to shout to be heard over the roar of the radio, all Zayn could do was jump him and smother his cheeks with sloppy kisses and hold him tightly.

“If you don’t let me go in 1 second, I will put you into that hospital next to Liam” Okay so Louis wasn’t a morning person this was being made very clear, but neither was Zayn. He was just so happy, he let go of Louis and just smiled at him, big and bright before he shoved the letter into Louis’ hand. He watched Louis’ skim over it, with a smile slowly stretching from corner to corner before he jumped onto him in cheers of happiness. Zayn spun them around the kitchen, with both of them singing in joy. About 20 minutes later Harry was joining them down stairs whilst Zayn was still dancing around the kitchen, munching on his now cold toast and his 3rd cup of coffee. It was all repeated once they told Harry; the happiness was just bursting from them all.

Once they’d finally managed to finish their breakfast, it was time to get ready to go visit Liam, Harry and Louis opted to share a shower so it would save water. Before they could dive in Zayn launched into the bathroom, because he didn’t want to risk treading in their cum. He made it a quick shower, purely because the quicker he got to Liam the better. He decided on styling his hair in his signature quiff for the first time in weeks because today was a good day. Nothing was going to destroy the happiness oozing out of his skin.

They arrived at the hospital a little after noon, birthday cards, balloons and different arrays of chocolates and gifts in hand all ready for the yet to awaken birthday boy. Louis decided he needed a coffee so took off to the canteen before going to Liam’s room; Harry being Harry had to follow Lou like a lost puppy. So Zayn was left alone on his walk to Liam’s room. The walk was shorter this time, he was just so eager to see his Leeyum and tell him all about what happened this morning that he was practically running.

When he arrived at the Liam’s room, he opened the door hiding behind the balloon (he doesn’t know why but he just knows Liam would laugh if he was awake so he does it) “Happy Birthday Jaan!” he removed his face from behind the balloon, only to find Liam wasn’t here. Confusion and dread flowed through him and he searched them room, all the machines where off, the bed had been freshly made. All that remained was a bag that was on the bed with Liam’s belongings that had been found on him the night of the crash, (Zayn couldn’t bring himself to look inside because he didn’t want see Liam’s blood stained clothes).

He dropped to his knees, and his whole world had fallen apart. Liam was dead, and no one had even bothered to call him. Everything in his life was just coming together, but now his life wouldn’t even be worth living. It felt like his heart was bursting, tears just flowing freely from his eyes because Liam wasn’t here to see him cry, he never would now. In the mist of everything he felt a hand rub on his shoulder, he assumed it was just Louis or Harry so refused to turn around just for the lack of energy, plus it would only make it real if he sees them cry.

“Wow, the whole 8 years I’ve known you I’ve only seen you cry once.” Okay now Zayn spun his head around, only to be meted by those gorgeous brown eyes, and the plump pink lips he hasn’t seen for so long due to them being hidden under gas mask for nearly a month. “I’ll have to nearly die more often…”

There was chuckle in his tone which made Zayn want to slap him for even speaking those words. He rose from the ground slowly, trying to take in all of Liam. He was here, he was awake? He wasn’t dead. He couldn’t think of anything to say, he just kept stuttering. Liam just smiling that goofy smile with his eyes crinkled, watching Zayn stumble on his words was obviously hilarious.

 _‘We’ll discuss that later you little shit’_ Zayn thought before he finally managed to say something “Happy birthday Leeyum.” He sounded so shy, staring into those brown eyes and just falling apart like he did when he first met Liam at the age of 12, he knew straight away he loved him. Cliché or not, it was just love at first sight. Liam laughed, not just a chuckle either a full on bellowing laugh.

“Thank you, but after nearly a month of not speaking I’d rather something a bit more personal babe, maybe a birthday kiss?” Cheeky shit, but who was he to deny Liam? He connected their lips as softly as his could, feeling if he went to fast or to hard he would shatter Liam into a million pieces. It was all just meant to be innocent but no; Liam was licking his Tung gingerly across the seam of Zayn’s lips. Begging for him to open and let him in, so he did. Their Tungs dragged so delicately across each other, Zayn could taste a wet salt hit his lips, mixed with the minty tooth paste Liam had obviously just used, and he opened his eyes to see Liam was crying. For no reason he could think of but happiness.

They separated in that moment and Liam dragged Zayn to the edge of the bed, and patted it signalling for him take a seat. So he did, he watched as Liam dug through the bag looking for something “Close your eyes! I don’t want you to see it yet…” Zayn does as he was told, and kept them closed.

“I was meant to do this, back on our anniversary but that didn’t work out so, no better time than now. Open your eyes Zayn” there was a shake of nerves in Liam’s voice as he spoke, which made Zayn a tad scared to open his eyes because what was it? He slowly opened his eyes straight in front of him to see nothing.  

“Look down silly.”

 He looked down, there was Liam on one knee, black box hanging open in his broken hand, atop of the plaster. It was so simple but beautiful, a rose god band, shining in the light of the hospital. He could see a slight engraving on top so he swooped in to take a closer look  _‘forever..’_  was all it said, but it made Zayn’s eyes swell with tears again but for another reason completely different from moments ago.

 “So, Mr Malik.. Will you allow me the honour of becoming your husband and the future Mr Malik?” Liam was shaking, tears streaming down his face but with the biggest smile on his face. Zayn couldn’t be happier, but this isn’t what he imagined would happen.

(~*~)

_6 months later…_

April 1st 2014, Zayn was standing next to Liam amongst their closest friends and both of their families. He had Harry and Louis to his left, both wiping away tears. Whilst Niall was to Liam’s right, a grin reached from corner to corner with his blue eyes glistening from the sun gleaming down on them all, they couldn’t have picked better Best Men. There was a slight breeze brushing over his skin and Liam took his hand to look into his eyes, repeating the words the minster had asked him to speak.

There wasn’t a dry eye to be seen as Liam spoke his vowels, he was rubbing a thumb soothingly over Liam’s knuckle as he struggled to get some words out due to his tears. The world was silent as they stood barefoot in the sand, the only sounds to be heard was that of the sea slowly crashing into the shore, and the minster. He wanted it all to happen sooner, but at the time Liam proposed there was talk of same sex marriage being legalised in England and Wales. As of March 31st 2014, it would be legalised. As soon as the date of legalisation was announced they made plans for the wedding take place as soon as it was possible, because they wanted to be married. Not just civil partners, they wanted the rights of every other human being in a marriage and today he was finally getting it.

“I do…” was the last word Liam spoke before it was Zayn’s turn, he stumbled through. Liam wiping away the tears with a delicate thumb to his cheek before it came to his own vowels. Simple and poetic is what he wanted to do, so that’s what he done. He added in a few of his own memories in just to hear people laugh, before he was asked that important question. “And do you Zayn Malik, take Liam Payne. To be your lawfully wedded husband?” they smiled at each other, Zayn bit back that mighty urge to plant his lips to Liam’s lips, instead opting to bite his bottom lip, because he knew it wouldn’t be long before he could.

“I do” he said with a shake in his tone, Liam mouthed to him ‘ _you’ve never sounded so angelic’_.

“With the power invested in me, I now pronounce you lawfully Mr & Mr Malik, you may now kiss your husband”.

They crashed their lips together with a roar coming from the crowed standing behind them, flower petals being thrown over them as Liam slipped in his Tung, just because he could. Everything was right in Zayn’s world, he had the perfect job. Amazing friends and an incredible family, which was now, double the size, and to top it off he had his dream husband.

As they were making their way back down the aisle, Zayn looked into Liam’s eyes and a cheeky grin eased across his face “So, Mr Liam Malik… Where’s my wedding gift?” Liam’s eyes grew dark with sin, oh how grateful Zayn had felt for asking. He watched Liam move his hand over his crotch and grope himself through his suite before placing a gentle slap across Zayn’s but cheeks, he placed his lips next to Zayn’s ear “For now, it’s here… But later tonight I’m going to bury it so far into your ass you’ll be begging for me to stop” Zayn’s cheeks turned a bright pink, from pure embarrassment due to he was now sporting a semi.

He turned his head and nibbled onto Liam’s lobe before whispering “I wouldn’t ask for anything more”

**Author's Note:**

> hehehehehehehe - It was shit wasn't it?
> 
> I kinda left him not saying yes because I just wanted you to presume so. Also I had to add about the legalisation of same sex marriage in England because, being a gay man. It's a very proud moment for me so I had to celebrate it some how :-) anyways... HOW WAS IT ?! WAS IT LAME WAS IT GOOD DO I RIGHT AGAIN DO I HIDE FROM WRITING FICTION EVER AGAIN IM SORRY THERE WASN'T LIKE PROPER SMUT BUT I DIDNT THINK I SHOULD BECAUSE IT WAS JUST EMOTIONAL


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